6/4/17
Yo yo yo!
It is that time of the week! Tonight, we have an overnight bus trip from Lexington, KY to Augusta, GA. It is exactly 432 miles from stadium to stadium. In a bus, in the Appalachian mountains, we are looking at 7.5-8hrs.
Time of Departure: ~9:15PM
Estimated Time of Arrival w/ no stops: 5:00AM
Bus Driver: Troy Doe
First Movie: Logan
Second Movie: TBD
Air Quality: 30% oxygen. 20% Smokeless Tobacco Fumes. 40% Flatulation from Moe's Burritos. 10% Urine
Other Notes: I have 20oz of water and 0 snacks
I’d like to clarify that the 10% urine component is not a direct result of one of my teammates wetting himself, but rather, it was simply impossible to keep the bathroom door fully enclosed, resulting in odd odors.
For this exact reason, I am not sure having 0 snacks was a real concern. I would not say that air quality was very conducive to a strong appetite.
So what has been going on?
After my last email, we had three more games against Timmy Tebow and the Fireflies. After my poor outings, I was told that I would be on the phantom Disabled List for a week. Basically, we always have 3-5 guys traveling that are "hurt." They are not hurt, but they are listed on the DL, so we can carry reserve players. In order to help me turn it around, they wanted to give me a mental break, and they wanted to give me a chance to get some work in on the side to improve. Kind of stinks, but I think it will be good for me! I made some adjustments, and these are the first practice bullpens I have thrown since converting, so they were helpful. I am active tomorrow, and I am in great spirits.
The Phantom DL can be a tricky concept. In some scenarios, guys are placed on it for no reason. On the bright side, you do not get sent back to Arizona. On the downside, you can sometimes be playing really well and still be placed on the Phantom. Often, this is the result of them carving out room for prospects.
Because of the DL, I could kick back and relax during these games. While it stinks to be a glorified cheerleader for a week, it is nice to sit back and take in a stadium like Columbia's. Columbia does a great job in between innings. In the 6th inning, they have a crew of guys that drags the infield. When they get to first, these guys start shaking their butts to the music like there is no tomorrow. After about 15 seconds, they make their way to third. During this time, a 300lb man is at second base just shaking everything to the music. It is HILARIOUS. If baseball does not work out, I might eat my sorrows away and make a career out of that guys job. I am not sure I have the moves he does, but with some hard work and 60lbs, I think I could make it.
There are two silver linings of the Phantom.
First, you have the opportunity to get more structured work done prior to games. Without worrying about game readiness, you finally have the ability to get full lifts in, and you can throw extended bullpens to make adjustments.
Second, you actually can enjoy parts of Minor League Baseball that you often miss. The above excerpt is a great example. Often, the game is moving quickly, and as a member of the bullpen, you constantly have to be prepared. The Phantom does provide a few days where you can sit back and say, “Wow, this is pretty cool.”
Also, while we were in Columbia, I had a few interactions with Tebow. He is a really great guy. It is unbelievable the fan craze at these games, and he handles it beautifully. It is unbelievable how many people at the games act like he owes them something. Just rude. He does not get angry though. In addition, I ran into him in the weight room. His arms are massive. Supposedly, he eats six avocados as his pregame meal on the road. Conclusion? If you eat six avocados a day then your biceps will look like Popeye's and your patience will be Pope-like. May have to try it.
At first, I was quite frustrated that Tim Tebow was getting an opportunity in Minor League Baseball. I have seen so many guys get sent home because of a lack of spots, so to see someone be given that spot was frustrating. After playing Tebow a few times, however, I was blown away by how he handles himself. He was extremely generous to teammates (from what I heard). He handled rude fans beautifully. He played hard. And before you ask, no, I am not saying this solely because he has massive biceps and could beat me up. That is certainly a factor though!
In the last game, we had a slight incident. One of our catchers is struggling to hit. After his third strikeout, he stormed to the dugout. Right as he got there, the camera turned to him. This made him mad. As a result, this catcher pointed to the camera and threw up two middle fingers. Unfortunately, that camera was the live feed for the Jumbotron and TV broadcast. Uh oh. To make matters worse, the Columbia president filed a complaint with the league. The league called the Giants. The Giants booked this kid a flight back to Arizona tomorrow. It's sad. I am close with the catcher. The camera should not be predatory and cornering guys who just made a mistake, but we are professionals for a reason. On and off the field, you must act accordingly. Point made.
I felt very poorly for my buddy, but it was a great lesson. You learn very quickly in professional baseball what it means to be a professional. There are many unprofessional people who get away with things while they are playing well, but the second you begin to struggle, people abandon you if you have not done things the right way.
After that game, we boarded the lovely bus for an overnight trip to Lexington. With an 1130pm departure, we got in at 630am. Luckily, I got a bed on this bus. Sure, it is the least desired bed, but I am horizontal. Horizontal is good.
Which bed did I get? I got the top bunk at the very front. More details:
Length: 6ft 6inches (my exact height)
Width: my shoulders + 2 inches on each side.
Height: 2.5 ft
Elevation: 5ft above the aisle.
Basically, this little cubby is a tight fit for my body. I feel like I am laying in a tube of toothpaste. This whole time, I have imagined that these are what the beds are like on the submarine for my cousin Molly. The catch? I did not sign up to crammed into a tube of toothpaste on a submarine. I suppose a career in the submarine division is not in my future.
The worst part? I am 5 feet off the ground. This is very problematic for many reasons. Here they are:
1. I have to maneuver around the bars on the side to get out. Basically, I do not climb down from this bunk... I fall out of this bunk. It has not gone smoothly a single time. I have bruises.
2. We are traveling through the Appalachians. Every turn, the bus sways. Because I am 2.5 ft from the roof and 10+ft above the road, I feel every sway a lot. Not to mention, Troy must get paid by the mile and not the hour. He is hitting every turn like we are in the Fast and Furious. Listen Troy! This is no race. Life>speed. That's a fact. Also, shoutout to Candler, NC for having 1,000,000 potholes on your segment of the highway. I almost woke up with Bronchitis from all of the vibrations on my spine. 90% sure that does not make any sense, but I doubt anybody will fact check me.
3. Farts rise. Basic Thermodynamics. Luckily, I bought a fan to put at my feet to keep the smells and fumes at the rear of the bus. It helps, but there is only so much my $15 fan can do.
4. I accidentally leaned on my squirt bottle when getting out to pee. I spent the remaining 6 hrs in a puddle of water. Not ideal.
I still wakeup with a jump when I have a dream about being in that top bunk. All I can think about is Troy barreling down the road, and me waking up at 2am clutching one of the bars!!
With all of this being said, I actually slept a decent amount. Last year, we had 9 overnight trips in 82 games, and we had a normal bus. Every guy was doubled up in a row too. I did not sleep a wink, so this is a step up. I keep saying my spot stinks though so people won't take it next time.
Also, because I am above seats, I keep reaching down and lightly touching Bowers hair. When he looks up, I fake sleep. He thinks there is a fly that keeps landing on him. I am going to pee my pants from laughter.
I also would lean over and join into some friendly games of Pasoy (as seen in the header image). It was a great vantage point, and I do not want to say that I saw some people’s cards (because that would be unethical), but I definitely had an unfair advantage!
Once we got to Lexington, we slept at the hotel more. We are back at the creepy hotel sandwiched between a strip club (The Spearmint Rhino), a gas station, and a McDonalds. Just brutal. On the upside, the gas station had Pop-Its. They are the firework things that explode when you throw them on the ground. They were $1!!!!! Biggest no-brainer in the world. I bought a pack, and I scared teammates all day. Turns out, Paulino did not enjoy me throwing some at him in the shower. He called me a lot of dirty words en Español after that one. I screamed "esta una broma" though. That means "it's a joke." As far as I am concerned, that is like saying "with all do respect." If you say that, you can do anything afterwards.
I have a tendency to find a funny joke and push well beyond the line of reason. This very well could have been one of those times, but hey, I am working on it. I have not made any progress (as my wife would attest), but after 2020, aren’t we all working on things?
On day 2, we had a lot of Latin guys get caught for missing curfew. When caught, they claimed they were all just headed to McDonalds. Yyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaa probably. I am sure they were going left to McDonalds and not right to the Spearmint Rhino... Even more interesting, one Latin guy missed curfew because he was in Cincinnati. Apparently, he has a girlfriend there. Not sure how the Cincinnati/Santo Domingo Venn Diagram works, but I am surprised there is some overlap. Also, very bold move to skip curfew because you left the entire state.
On the last day, we had firefighters repel onto the field. In the process, they accidentally left a bungee cord in left-center. They asked the bullpen to get it after the first half-inning. At the request of the bullpen, I went for it in a dead sprint with very exaggerated arm flailing. The crowd and picnic area loved it. I was moving so fast that I felt the wind in my ears. I almost threw up my Pop-Tart and blew out both hamstrings on the way, but I persevered. Mental toughness.
I legitimately ran full speed, and since my body was cold, I almost tore everything in my body. I almost went from the Phantom DL to the full-time DL very quickly!
Two innings later, Sandro tried to toss a ball with his number into the stands. The wrong girl caught it. Not only did he miss the attractive girl he meant to throw it to, but I think the girl who caught it was under the age of 18. Not not not good. That's another reason why pitchers need to work on their accuracy. I reaaaaaallly hope some Kentucky father does not meet our bus with a shotgun when we return. Dang it Sandro.
While this road trip has been fun, I am excited to get home. I want to be active again, and I miss my bed. Also, we are still a horrible team. We are improving, but there will be many changes. We are getting a new coach, and I am sure there will be more moves.
Because there are no stats for me to post on my phone, I will add a minor League PSA. While foam rolling in our locker room today, I noticed at least three boogers wiped into the carpet. Even though it is allergy season, I believe it to be a reasonable request that booger wiping should be outlawed. Last time in Lexington, we encountered our first instance of poop warfare. This time, we encountered excessive booger wiping. I need to leave Kentucky. Fact.
Anyways, that is it! Long Banter for a long bus ride. Just noticed it is raining. Pray for Troy's driving ability. Love you all and miss ya!
LePhantom James
Bullpen Quotes of the Week:
"I have good eye sight, but I think I have trouble catching because my depth percentage is off"
"We are batting .210? Our whole team is battling the Mason-Dixon Line" (meant to say Mendoza Line)